~Vulnerable

It is really difficult to put up a brave front all the time, especially when my heart has sunk to the "bottom" of an abyss.  I really do not know how to handle it, despite having experienced countless times of similar situations so far in my life. While I do my best not to dwell on it too much, I still feel the pain right there, right at the place that matters the most. Sure enough, I have constantly reminded myself not to entertain any expectation throughout the discourse, but still I could not suppress my true self acting up on me time after time. My personality dictates me to be someone who can be very vulnerable at times, sometimes even regress to the state of self-pitiness, which I find contemptuous and useless. But that's me, that's when I become irrational and emotional, when I feel besiege by the harrowing emptiness within me. And I have fallen prey to this particular sub-type of my personality yet again......And I wonder why can't I be more positive, more suave and more understanding? I really admire people who can pick themselves up with positive thinking and regain their composure in a matter of hours or days. I guess that's the part of me that I have to live with and improve upon so as to be stronger. Maybe I should distance myself from developing such vicious cycle by preoccupying myself with studies and works. For I will grow too attached to my thoughts and desire once I have time to brood all day. But I really do not know if I were made to be someone who can endure such isolation for an extended period of time. I am really clueless, and therefore fearful. This weakness has consumed me for the first time in my life, I can only rely on time. Time is the one and only parameter that can guide me, to wherever I ultimately belong. Although I am completely unwilling to leave it up to the time, implying losing control of the entire progress, it's unfortunately my only option ahead of me. Sometimes, I realise that whatever principles that I have learned and practiced, can simply vanish without a trace, crumbling down in a matter of nanoseconds. Apparently, I have neither the ability, nor the wisdom, to deal with it with the appropriate state of mind. Right now, I am chained, yet torn at the same time.